Well hello there!  Long time no see, eh?  I was doing things like traveling for work, getting a new job, moving cross-country, that kind of thing. “You always make excuses”, you say?  Damn straight, so get used to it!

Last time, the last of Bruce and Tonya’s children had left toddlerhood to explore the world, which mostly involved parties, swimming, and their father being eaten by a cow plant. Oh, and the Evil Gnome was intent on taking over the world.  Did he succeed?!

Possibly, since Bruce is fixing a live dishwasher.

“Why am I doing this?  I died last chapter!”

At least if you die again, you were doing something useful.

Unlike whichever kitten this is.  Just because it’s old doesn’t mean it’s for you!

“I can’t believe she made me fix the dishwasher.  Stupid player, I’ll show her…”

At least some Sims don’t complain about doing work.

“Warning: Wear full pants and shirt when operating this alchemy station?  Dammit!”

“Psh, whatever, safety is for chumps.* I’ll just add this Sims 2 lump to the pot and…”

* Author does not condone this message. Remember that alchemy can burn, maim, or even kill. Alchemy responsibly. Friends don’t let friends alchemy and drive

Jessica isn’t immune from chores, of course.

“All right, these flippers will increase my surface area!  Time for efficient stomping!”

Meanwhile, EvilGenius here grew up slightly fabulous. Or I think it’s EvilGenius. Sibling is unimpressed either way.

“Ahhh, this is the life.  Staring at the sky and my bright, green, perfect plumbob…”

And with that perfect mood, how about you finish an invention?

“Slavedriver.”

You too?!

“It’s summer, dammit!  Besides, we have a visitor.”

Oh.

“I can’t believe I have to take a fucking hamper!”

We have money, you know. I’m just forgetful.

“Too late!  This hamper is mine now!”

“So have you noticed the rain, Jess?”
“Dude, it’s only raining on YOU. Shouldn’t that tell you something?”

“Time to see if those flippers did the trick!”

“Hmmm, not bad, not bad. Better than what Mom makes.”

I think the bigger problem is this family’s raging alcoholism and the fact that most wine isn’t blue-purple, but hey.

“You smell like a moth, mother.”
“Is that a compliment or an insult?”
“We’re cats. Take a guess.”

“Oh human, let me rub my mothiness all over you!”

Poor Bruce. Can’t go anywhere in the house without an animal running after him.

Apparently it’s sniff-and-greet day at the house.  That or they’re plotting something.

“So if I’m the getaway horse…”

You.

“What?!  It’s not like I’m hiding a knife to slice open the floatie!  Sheesh.”

Tonight, on Horsing Around…

“You pig!  I open my heart to you, present my butt, and you are just looking at that human!”
“He sees me!  Oh this is wonderful!”
“Whose tail do you really want, here?!”

Okay, why Duke and EvilGenius had two different birthdays, I could not tell you. Gotta love Snowy giving no fucks.

“You have been defeated, Mr. Gnome!  You cannot stand up against my powers!  Bow before me!”

And though the Evil Gnome thought he ruled the day, behind him, sleeping peacefully, was the One — The Salvation — The–

The Creepy Paparazzi with the Thousand-Yard Stare.

“I’m here… Here… To observe.”

For the merpeople who just can’t swim anymore, we offer overly-narrow stairs surrounded by random-ass waterlife for your inconvenience!

Oh, great. The Unsavoury Charlatan became paparazzi.

“It’s all good. Fishers always come with extra hooks.”

So I don’t fish, or boat, or do anything that requires moving, really — but it seems like having your boat trailer out in the middle of the yard isn’t the best plan for sailing.

Natasha made it work, though!

“Awesome, the creator never lets us do fun stuff! Sun, surf, and no paparazzi!”

THere are some downsides to letting Sims have fun, though.

“Ugh, I was fishing for literally twelve hours… Is this coffee…?”

“Oh, the love of my life, Peanut, why did you leave me?!”

Simself, you have another love of your life!

Well, maybe.

“Boo hoo hooooo, the tramp’s sidepiece is dead!”

“That whippersnapper, thinking he can just pretend everything is fine.”
“Er, I wasn’t–”

“How dare you mock me! You graduated years ago and still wear your robes?!  You’d rather stick your nose in books and dream than get a real job!”

Says the simself of the writer. *cough*

“Jeez, why are you so mean?!  I don’t have the energy for this!”

Such a healthy relationship between these two. I’m such a nice Sim.

“Snowy, quick, you’re missing the game! The humans are throwing that pork object again!”

“Can’t I go inside to give birth?”

No.

“Well fine, then I’m giving you a clone!”

Grrrr!

All right, not a total clone — some brown instead of black, and mom’s mismatched mane and tail. But dammit, I want more variety!

“Look, I’m happy to be friends, I just need you to be less creepy, okay?”

Good luck with that.

“AUGH THE HORSE IS ON FIRE AND IS RIDING A METEOR– Oh it’s just the gnome.”

“So do you think the human will ever let us sleep?”
“Ha!  When she can force more homework and skilling on us?!”

Oh shut up, I let you sleep.  Sometimes.

“I”ve done homework for the last time!  No more noodly homework arms!”

“Instead I’m a rocking cowgirl with lazy eye.  Yee-ha!”

Jessica is also a Star Quality, Neurotic, Excitable, Unlucky Supernatural Fan. Because I just have the best Sims.

“Gosh, I love doing laundry!  So freeing!”

Tonya, do we need to give you your medicine?

There, that’s better. Become exclusive with your husband that you have yet to remarry after the cow plant ate him.

More productive than whatever the hell Jessica is doing.

“Sis, I don’t think you’re supposed to shove your wrists through marble.”

Does it seem like I have a lot of pictures of the pool?  Well I do.  Because this is all they do, all summer, when I’m not looking.

Occasionally, there’s the frightening event where one of them actually swims.

Not that they earn body points.

“Jet-powered butt, awaaaaaaaay!”

SIgh, this again. Everyone cram into the Ford.  Whoever is last goes in the trunk.

Bruce! You’re holding up the car!  Do you want to be in the trunk?!

“Forget graduation, this incense is magnificent!  If only I wasn’t heartbroken over Natasha!”

Natasha isn’t dead.

“HEARTBROKEN!”

Okay, people, these are stairs. They’re not hard.

“How do I get up!  The bush is in my way!”
“Do I put my hand through Jessica’s liver?”

Well Jessica figured it out. Probably why she’s the one graduating.

You’re holding up the line, Bruce.

“But how do these work?!”

And if you think I’m just being funny…

“Guys, how do these stairs work?!”
“I’m missing my graduation due to these confounding stairs!”
“Does standing in the bush work?”

And another high school graduate.  Woohoo.

“Can this guy not grope my boobs?”

I’d be more concerned about what he did with your wings.

The family comes home to more issues.  I’m not sure I can do this picture any justice, as I crack up each time I look at it.

“Do I look like I want you in my torso?!”
“You’re the one in my neck!  I know you wanna see your precious girlfriend, but do you really think she’ll go for this?!”
“God, how did I end up here with these people…”

Make out to the rescue! Though not sure why she’s talking while making out. Let alone talking about another guy.

“Mmmmph, he’s not as hot as you!”
“MMmmmm, nor you!”

“Stupid cowplant!  First I got stuck in a guy’s torso, now this!”

You could go home, you know.

He likes her, but he sure isn’t going to show it.

Not with his face, anyway.

I’ll see myself out.

And what the hell are you doing?

“Observing. Dreaming of being real. And knowing carnal–”

Forget I asked.

“Oh Trent, that WooHoo was rocking, marry me?”

And we’ve got our spouse!

Also, our stalker.

“I swear, I’m stuck here!”

Nothing like fixing the plumbing in your underwear. It’s a free shower!

Better than whatever Tonya is doing.

“It’s my secret jam batch.”

And that’s all we need to know, thank you.

And better than what the horse is doing.

“Help, the house is in the way!”

Sigh.

“Oh boy, food!  From the human!  I am honoured!”

“And a race too!  The human really likes me!”

Well he’s not beatboxing to concrete, sure.

“No, I am not a ghost!  See the glowing ball thing!  Imaginary friend!  Imaginary friend!”

“Hell yeah!  No more running across town searching out piddly deposits of iron!  I am an inventor goddess!”

“A bachelorette party?  At my family’s scenic, picture-perfect beach property? Well, maybe, but only because we’re alcoholics.”

---

And that feels like a good place to leave off!  Next time: what riches will Tonya discover? Will the bachelorette party be a success? Will the baby gnome grow up and release the world from the evil gnome’s machinations?  Find out next time, whenever that might be!