Hello everyone, and that B-movie/MST3K reference must mean that it’s time for another chapter in the TS3 Legacy! Last time we were here, my Sims were lazy good-for-nothings who lounged around in the pool and drank booze. No more of that, because those aren’t our generational goals:

Marital Status: Couple with ‘Help’
Number of Children: 5
Primary Career: Sports Agent
Secondary Career: Job Hopper
Job Hopper #1: Animal Wrangler
Job Hopper #2: Magician
Job Hopper #3: Collecting
Job Hopper #4: Architect
Job Hopper #5: Education
Job Hopper #6: Freelance Photographer
Job Hopper #7: Art Appraiser (Acquisition)
Job Hopper #8: Mixologist
Job Hopper #9: Professional Sports
Job Hopper #10: Freelance Photographer
Primary Career: Video Game Designer (Engineer)
Generational Goal: Perfectionist
Miscellaneous Fun: No Strangers

Oh yeah. We’re fucked.

I guess I’m being a bit unfair when I say my Sims were lazy. Tonya here did manage to make this contraption, in a rare moment of my Sims being successful in inventing.

And Jessica was taking care of our garden. Her concentration is impressive considering the imaginary friend ogling her butt.

“Human, I want attention!”
“Bloody horses!”

“I have a game we can play! It’s called step into this giant hole!”

Well that would get rid of the clone.

What?

Oh fine, they grew up perfectly well. And glitched up the parents in the process.

“You’re in the way!”
“No you’re in the way!”

The humans, for once, are having way more fun. Though it feels like this would kind of hurt.

“Hell yeah, go grandma, WOOOOOO!”

Are… Are you guys giving the teen a private show?!

“Heh heh, shake those booties, boys.”

The Sims really needs an Alcoholics Anonymous.

“If I but had a pool of vodka…”

“Oh Lamont, my dear, you know I have eyes only for you. Especially now that Peanut’s dead.”

“Um, hello, this tree is in my way!”

Honey, the entrance to the house is in the other direction.

Again?!

“Your simself is a fox, what can I say.”

Information I did not need, thank you.

Yeah, we party hard around here.

Too hard for poor Jessica.

Oh sure, say the party sucks after you get laid and fall asleep in our bed. You don’t live here anymore, punk!

Where were you during the party?

“Oh no where…”

“Just doing a bit of DNA grafting.”

(Another picture I can’t do justice because it makes me laugh too hard)

“A wedding? Hmmm, yes, I suppose that does follow a bachelorette party. I was kind of thinking of just holding those, though.”

“Why doesn’t anyone want to join me for a picnic?”

Bigger question: Why is your salad steaming?

“Look, sweetie, I know you’re in the army but you don’t have to wear your uniform everywhere! You can take it off at my place!”

“DURRRR YOUR MOTHER IS REALLY HOT.”

“Sorry, sorry, better?”
“Only if you never mention my mother again.”

“Mmmph, I told you to lose the uniform!”
“Do you really think the army lets me wear octopus trunks?”
“You never know.”

I guess I decided to keep this horse? Or it’s a different one and I’m losing my mind? I just checked, and apparently I DID keep him, and this is Drifter. Whoops.

At least I can keep the cats straight. For once.

“This is cat-pilates, EvilGenius. First you tuck your paw across your chest, then you splay your back legs, then you reach your left paw as far as you can–”
“That seems unnatural and painful.”
“That’s how you know it’s pilates.”

Not as unnatural and painful as this.

“Hmmmm, this doesn’t seem to be allowing me to pick up the jar.”

“The Best Man Ever approaches the horse carefully, making eye contact so it knows he is present.”

“So far he makes better progress than his daughter did, who complained when the horse was in front of her.”

“Oh bite me, I got on him!”

“Oh, I’m being ran over by the Best Guy Ever! Oh it’s like he gave me the freshest rose!”
“Drifter, get me out of here, stat.”

“I can’t believe it, night of the Ren festival and I have to work!”

“Hell yeah, I finally get to be an adult!”

“Hell yeah, I’m hot. Now to move out–”

Actually, you’re the help.

“What?!”

I like you and your sister, so it lets me get the best of both worlds. Don’t worry, you’ll still get your happily ever after.

“Sure, sure.”

“What do you mean, I didn’t have to work today?!”
“Dude, we called you. I needed the extra hours anyway.”

“I’m telling you, my wedding will be the best wedding ever. I might even change out of my graduation robes!”

“Waaaah, mom, it’s all a farce! I’m not ready to get married!”
“Neither was I and I survived.”
“You’re pouring coffee onto the burners!”
“We all need our hobbies, girl!”

You know, ghost, we made food. Sure, we threw it on the floor, but…

“I can’t believe my mother chucked the spaghetti on the floor! What kind of slobs live here?”
“Don’t complain to me. I’m the one who has to clean it up!”
“Yeah, we appreciate that. Ghostly labour saves us a lot of money.”

“I’ll just leave this dish here. The ghosts will get to it.”

“For I’ve got plans.”

Natasha is an Artistic Loser, a Cat Person, a Natural Born Performer, and a Coach Potato. Because I really do have the best Sims.

“Oh, hey, mom-in-law. Nothing much, just waiting for my daughter to get married. And for the ghosts to clean up the cat vomit, because I ain’t touching it.”

As you can see, Natasha’s plans involved deep video game concentration. Much more important than putting your bloody dishes in the dishwasher.

“Ugh, I can’t put it off any longer. Yeah, Trent? It’s time.”

“Why hello, Snowy? You’re a cat, aren’t you? Yes you are!”

I like how as humans we generally go “Whose a good doggy?!” but with cats we’re so stunned that we just go “Are you a kitty?!”

“Fucking hell, piece of junk breaks down right before the wedding. Like I don’t have better things to do!”

“Well, today’s the day. Holy matrimony and all that. I hope my outfit fits the occasion.”

I think your outfit fits the class of the event just find.

“Woo hoo, water slide!!”

“A wedding at the disco would have been great, honey! Crazy lights, intense music, and I wouldn’t have had to fix the hot tub!”

“Greetings, pregnant imaginary friend. I offer you my hand, though I wonder if it will just go straight through you?”

“Oh, Trent, hee hee. Did you see me in the hot tub? I’d love to give you a personal show if you didn’t!”

“Look, my family has a cowplant for a reason, and I’d be happy to throw that trollop to them!”

“Look, let’s just get married. I want to become a military leader.”

“Haha! Look at your stupid wet suit! Water slide too intense for you!”
“Dear lord, man, wear something else, please.”

“I cannot believe that bitch, soaking totally naked. Maybe some of us wanted a nice normal hot tub soak!”

“ARRRRGH, how much longer do we have to stand here?! Lamont, get the rings!”
“Oh honey, by the way, you have to job hunt ten times before you can get your lifetime want.”
“WHAT?!”

“It’s okay, I’m sure you can do it. Isn’t it worth it if you’re with me?”

“Honey, I don’t mean to distract you, but are your brother and grandmother spewing fireflies?”
“Oh just ignore them, honey, they’re weird.”

“Well darn, they kissed. Lost that bet.”

This photo would be lovelier if it didn’t look like Trent was making a frog face.

Tonya! You missed the ceremony!

“Whatever, I’m sure I didn’t miss much.”

You too, Bruce?! Your daughter got married!

“I’m Evil, what do I care?”

“Um, honey, are they ever going to stop clapping?”
“Eh, who cares. More cake for us.”

“Okay, never mind, their staring is way creepier than the clapping.”
“Grr, who the hell is calling me during my wedding?!”

“ARGH, EMILIA, STOP SPEWING FIREFLIES!”
“Look, I’m sorry, I’m excited!”

“Just so you know, if you hurt my sister, I might have to send fireflies up your ass.”
“Did you just take cake before me?”
“YOUR ASS.”

“Is he screaming at Lamont, now? Where’d you find this kid?”
“Eh, I figured he’d fit right in.”

Trent is Athletic, Inappropriate, Grumpy, Irresistible, and Frugal. Another high-quality Sim.

“So where were you during the ceremony, dad? Hugging a few trees, taking a piss?”

“Nah, my wife is taking care of the piss.”

This family and their pee weddings…

“Whoa, what a night… The last thing I remember is Trent challenging Lamont to a firefly match…”

“Yep, I’m doomed. I’m absolutely doomed.”

Don’t be silly. The pets like you!

“ANOTHER AMAZING HUMAN, ACKNOWLEDGE MY PRESENCE.”

Well, the ones that aren’t having technical difficulties.

“How do legs work?”

So in between the wedding and the photos, I was playing with another family and installed Into the Future.

The result was this time warp, because this house didn’t have enough problems.

“France, honey. France.”
“Look, I don’t trust sudden time warps.”

Yes, time for their honeymoon!

I’m sure the sink is off, honey. You just got here.

“Yes, I’m the most athletic man around. You’ll see!”
“Hey, what’s going on here?”

“You asshole, how dare you!”

“Wow, that escalated quickly.”

“You upstart! Where are you hiding, coward?!”

“Surprise, bitch!”

“Ow, no fair, taking out one of my organs!”
“All’s fair in war!”

“There! Teach you to sneak up on me!”

“Damn, what just happened? I was just saying hello…”
“BLEH!”
“BLEH!”

“Crap, who are you? You can’t get me! NO ONE CAN!”

“Gosh, I hope Trent is having fun. He’s not the best at making friends.”

“Huff, thank goodness I escaped. Surely no one will find me in this quiet area.”

“Hmmm, who is this? France Transport Authority? I’ll have you know that I know nothing about brawls happening in the hostel.”

“Ahh, hello, innocent little plant. I’m sure I can learn your secrets…”

“Boogie to the left, boogie to the right, oh yeah!”
“Honey, aren’t you coming for dinner?”
“OH YEAH!”

“Honey, the FTA called. You haven’t heard of any brawls, have you?”
“Of course not, my love. This is Paris! Who would brawl here?”

“Damn, girl, you got some fine–”
“My husband is in the military.”
“– Some fine talents!”

“Look, I had nothing to do with it, okay? Can I just bribe you? Anything!”
“I just want to buy some nectar.”

“Hmmm, I don’t know if I look like a gnome enough. I should ask around.”
“Oh, it’s her!  The one married to the Other Best Guy Ever!”

“Oh, what a quaint little room! Such lovely architecture! I’ll fit right in in my  country shirt and pants.”

“So I’m just saying, a bookshelf is best next to the TV, so you can easily look up actors!”
“Sir, I just want to use the toilet.”

“Hey, honey. You’re looking mighty–”
“My husband is in the military.”
“– Mighty strong and healthy!”

“I feel awfully underdressed. I didn’t realize it was dress-up day at the library.”
“Dress-up day?”

“Blech, who cooked this? It tastes like rotten fish!”
“Ah ha, the money shot!”
“Would you get out of my face?!”

Tonight, on As the Zombie Groans, how will Harold react when he discovers that Meredith is seeing another zombie… And she’s a Cancer?!

“I’m sure carbonara makes a good breakfast. Rise and shine!”

“UM, HELP, I CAN’T GET TO MY LAPTOP BECAUSE THE CHAIR IS IN THE WAY!”

Dude.

She’s mysterious, she’s graceful, she’s half-woman half-door.

She sits on old couches and catches up on French lore.

He jogs, he flies, he earns aspiration points.

She runs from the paparazzi stalking her joint to joint.

Dear lord, did the Spinster Club hunt him down?

“Hello Sir, we’re from the Jutting Cheekbones Foundation and we’re raising money to give old spinsters like us a second chance at beauty…”

“Look, miss, I’m just saying, it’s confusing that you expect me to go behind the counter to purchase things from the register…”

“Ma’am, from one stinky man to another, I think–”
“Get out.”

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH BABYYYYYYYYY!”
“Can you hurry this up, I have to pee something fierce.”

“Look, dude, I don’t know why you need to get this close to purchase something, but it ain’t getting you a discount, got it?”

“These fools just don’t appreciate a good workout! I’ll show them!”

“I’ll collect petrified fruit!”

“And I’ll shove my fingers through stone!  Haha!”

“And I’ll find the secret treasure, hahaha– hey, this is deodorant!”

“Look, coffee, best thing ever. It belongs in a bookstore, I’m telling you. Stains, psh, if you chug it, what’s it gonna stain?”

Erm, are you sure that was deodorant? It looks like it zombified you.

“Stinky braaaaaiiiiinnnns…”

“Step right up, everyone, dinner is served!”
“The plate is empty.”
“Well I need to serve it, dummy.”

“Oh great. They’re back.”

Thanks for doing the dishes!

“Sure, sure, my sister gets to go on a rocking vacation, while I’m still stuck wearing the same pajamas in the same old house.”

Your time will come.

“Oh, he does sound like a strapping young man. Perhaps I will stop by later…”

Bruce is evil, honey, don’t forget.

“ARRRRRR, I SENSE INFIDELITY.”

“Oooooh, I don’t feel so good…”

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And that feels like a good time to end! Busy chapter, huh? We’re now 200 photos away from where the family is currently, which is exciting because it means I get to play them again! Next time: was the honeymoon a baby-making success? Will Tonya seek younger men? Will the ghosts finally rebel against the indecency of forcing them to be otherwordly maids? Find out next time!